I experienced that it’s very important to have a goal or a meaning in life. Not so long ago I felt trapped in a world without these qualities and due to that I felt unmotivated sometimes and often a bit depressed. My sight stucked at negative things. When someone asked me about having children, I usually replied something like: „No, not in this world! I don’t want to be responsable for all the obstacles they will have to face in this sick society. And I don’t want them to go through the same process of finding truths and all the systems of society, like school and wageworking which can poison and damage the individum for the rest of its life.“ What’s the meaning of this? What if they loose this fight? Or worser: What if they don’t want to fight?“ All in all I was convinced that mankind doesn’t need more „numbers“. I didn’t saw any future for humankind – the vile cancer of the earth. My contempt was driven by an unpleasent hopelessness. However, this kind of thinking is not natural for me. I knew there must be a solution, a deeper meaning and solid ways to solve the undenieable problems of the modern man. I’m not really attracted to hedonistic lifestyles, I’ve never followed any religion and I felt an aversion for (youth)scenes very soon after I have spent a look inside of two. I didn’t wanted to be part of any group nor be part of humankind in general. Sometimes I dreamed about to be a supernatural entity or I had a strange feeling about the wish to expand my consciousness like blowing up a balloon as big as the universe.
Nevertheless, I always knew or at least had a feeling about how I want to live since childhood. A quite simple life surrounded by nature, preferably on top of a hill with my own small house and a garden along with romantic beliefs about love and partnership. But as the years passed by I lost more and more hope to ever achieve this. I didn’t know how to do it, I was more a dreamer than a rational mind and a bit slower in my development compared to other kids of my age. But maybe especially the last fact will now turn into a personal benefit. I’ve spent alot of time with thinking and feeling where many others of my former classmates got stucked in a common life-system – or thats what I guess, without having contact to any of them. Now it’s my turn to set the sails – with the advantage to be (quite) grown up on one hand and still full of energy at the other hand. I realized I’m still able to follow the moral feelings and beliefs of my childhood and teenage years and to create a life which is worth to live. I have to „fight“ anyway – no matter which path I choose. It would be a livelong struggle for me to fulfill the expectations of a common life; to participate in a society I don’t want to support. But I could fight for something more suitable as well.
Since I entered the yoke of wageworking I experienced a strong dependency on motivation for a „good thing“ inside myself. Of course, there never was a convincing good meaning for me behind a job in a industry. Only self motivated work was something I did with all my passion and abilities. Furthermore, hierarchy is some kind of a problem for me personally. It feels wrong to serve someone just because he expect you to do it. To serve for money feels utterly degrading if your not working with a burning passion. And even with this passion it would be much better to do somebody a favour as a friend instead of just working because you’ve been paid for and your boss or client want something for his money. But what I’m talking about – everyone knows that, I guess. Not long ago I only knew what I don’t want to do – now there is a meaning and a broadly defined plan of what I really want and how to achieve it. I don’t see wageworking as a doom anylonger since there is a goal to reach. I set up a realistic amount of money that I want to safe for a special purpose in a few years: to buy a piece of land and build a natural house, for example made out of clay, straw, wood or stone.
Most of the people are not aware about the important meaning to have your own piece of land. If you don’t come into a inheritance by law to be the owner of some land; everywhere you set your feet you step on anothers property. Every squaremeter is owned by someone! Nothing is yours by nature anymore (except air and sunlight maybe – for now)! You have to spent money, work hard for money usually to have something for your own to settle down. To pay a rent for the rest of your life for a place to live will bring you in a horrible situation of dependency. It’s nothing more than a bad compromise and not a very honourable one. You’re not free, you have to strictly follow the rules of the owner. Living in a rented appartement doing wagework is compareable with being a destitute servant. It’s only an option for a short time, otherwise it will lead to insignificance. As I mentioned before, I could live quite simple. This will decrease the time to raise the amount of money I need. And every luxury you gave up, frees you from an effort or a dependency so to speak. Yes I have to participate and agree with something for a while which I don’t really want to support. But in the long run the fruits of my intention will do more good than my participation in some industry will do a harm.
I want to be quite self-sufficient on food, working at home in the garden, doing handcraft and photography to make a small living for things I still have to buy. In the environment I dream about will be place and a meaning for children – so I want to be a good father and of course a good husband. The family will be together and I want to have my (future) children around me and not to be forced to give them away for „education“/brainwashing. Some domestic animals, especially chicken, will be there. I got lots of suggestions and ideas during the work&travel experience in sweden! Permaculture-thinking and working will play a quite big role I think but I don’t have to call it by it’s name. It’s all about an ecological household – no unnecessary poisons in every aspect. There is much to learn and some things will surely go wrong, because we have to start from zero. But I really want it like this and fortunatly, my girlfriend share this dream with me. The time is right to approach a honourable and healthy future!
I’m thankful for suggestions and tips regarding this intention; especially the question: „where to go?“